based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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