i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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