i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
