I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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