we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
