I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
