my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
