She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
