:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
