So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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