he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
