I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
