She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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