She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
