as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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