I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
