I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
