worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
