I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
