I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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