I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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