my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize