Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
