just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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