I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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