Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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