You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
