I am puke
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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