We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
