I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
