Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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