I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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