i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
