someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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