If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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