just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
