i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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