wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
