we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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