I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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