my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
