just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
