i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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