I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
