Moan for me like Helen Keller
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
