Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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