this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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