she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
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