He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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