You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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