i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
