there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
