she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
