You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
