I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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