I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
