I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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