every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
