I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I look better un-naked...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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