I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
