I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
