i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
